A Little about Divorce
A marriage is never a bed of roses, many who have been married and got to see the hard times know this fact is for real. Couples find themselves in confrontations from time to time, disagreements, arguments, and all sorts of conflicts within. However, there are some signs that can tell you when things have come too far and its time to part.
No Conflict Resolution
The noted researcher John Gotman has argues that it is not lack of communication that sinks a marriage but, rather, lack of effective conflict resolution. Couples who have not evolved a way to resolve differences without injury to the relationship end up avoiding disagreement and conflict. One or both has arrived at a point of despair that it is pointless to try to resolve a difference with his/her mate.
Emotional engagement is a minimum requirement for the development and maintenance of intimacy. Willing discussion of feelings, one’s own feelings and the other’s feelings are a part. Interest in the emotional life of the other and empathic engagement of each other’s emotional life all constitute the required elements for an intimate relationship.
Increased Focus outside the Marriage
Empty marriages are very boring. Some couples compensate by pouring themselves into their children so that child centered activity becomes the sole content of family life. Others pour themselves further into careers working late every night so the time with the other is minimized. And as emotional satisfaction is sought exclusively outside the marriage the probability of an affair soars.
Couples cannot be perfect to the very sense of the word, nobody is perfect after all. However, there are some mistakes that people make prior as well as all the way into marriage life that usually takes marriages down. If a marriage lacks proper communication, couples come with high expectations into the affair and lack of putting efforts to keep the marriage life going are detrimental to any marriage.
Lack of Communication Skills:
Pure and simple, people don’t know how to talk to each other and they know even less about listening. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse yet they put so little effort into wisely expressing their feelings and openly listening to their spouse.
It is also common for spouses to want to avoid conversation they fear will cause them or their spouse pain. If you can’t communicate, you can’t solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills.
That woman who buys the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage. These assumptions are based on many variables and problems arise when the outcome (marriage) doesn’t meet the assumptions or expectations.
Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how they are living inside their marriage and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow a marriage to flourish.
People are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes hard work and if you aren’t committed to working hard a marriage won’t last.
Marriage life can be challenging, and disaster may be looming large sometimes. This is the time when as a couple you should work together to prevent anything from getting in the wrong direction. These efforts need to come beforehand, lest your marriage slips into a steep slope you may not be able to recover.
Make time to connect lovingly with your spouse every day. A couple can significantly improve their chances of marital success by devoting as little as 15 minutes a day exclusively to each other. For instance, you could wake up a little earlier, and spend the extra time in bed cuddling, making love, and reaffirming your love for each other.
Take time every day to have meaningful conversations with each other; to listen with the same intensity as when you were dating; to touch, hug, and show affection; to tell each other how you feel about your marriage; and to talk about your goals for the marriage and your lives.
Remain faithful. Dr. Finnegan Alford-Cooper studied 576 couples who had been married for 50 years or more; in 1998, she released her findings in the book For Keeps: Marriages that Last a Lifetime. In her study, she found that 95 percent of the spouses agreed that fidelity was essential to a successful marriage, and 94 percent agreed or strongly agreed that marriage is a long-term commitment to one person.